


Inevitable

by therescuingtype



Category: Anberlin
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:40:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21996151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/therescuingtype/pseuds/therescuingtype
Summary: I have a lot of dumb feelings about Anberlin reuniting and somehow it's taken me over a year to actually write this short little piece about it. Set before the 2018 reunion on the night they all got together to talk it through, Stephen and Christian have their own talk after everyone else goes to bed and resolve some things just between them.





	Inevitable

One night isn’t enough time to resolve hurt feelings and perceived slights, not after they’ve been festering for four years. But progress had been made, wounds were healing, and that would have to be good enough. Joey tapped out first, claiming a long travel day and a little jet lag. Nate followed soon after, having lost interest when no one else wanted to smoke with him. That left Deon, Christian and Stephen, and the quiet that had fallen between them. It seemed like they’d talked about everything that was left on the table four years ago, about the end of Anberlin and how that had left some of them better off than others. There was one elephant left in the room, or gazebo, as the case may be, but no one had any desire to voice it just yet. For a long time, the only sounds were the crackling flames in the fire pit they sat around, the waves lapping at the dock, and crickets chirping somewhere in the reeds on shore.

“Well,” Deon said, standing up. It was as if he knew that it was his presence preventing the last bit of dirty laundry from properly airing out. “I think I’m gonna call it a night. You good?”

He looked pointedly at Christian, then to Stephen and back to Christian again. Nodded once, almost imperceptibly, and Deon shrugged as he turned to leave.

“He’s gotten protective,” Stephen observed as he watched Deon’s shape retreat into the darkness.

“That make you jealous?” Christian asked, eyes narrowed, studying Stephen.

“Do you want it to?” Stephen asked in return. He shifted his chair slightly closer to Christian and leaned in. 

Christian stood quickly and spun on his heel until he was behind his chair with it between him and Stephen. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” he said.

In another second, Stephen was on his feet too. “What? 

“You barely spoke to me for four years and now you expect me to still be pining for you? Fuck off,” Christian spat. Stephen flinched.

“It’s not like that. I just wanted to know if--”

“If what?” Christian cut him off, seething.

Stephen was silent for a beat, then took a deep, steadying breath and said, “If you were alright.”

That wasn’t the answer Christian expected. “I’m fine,” he said.

“Are you?” Stephen asked.

“Yes,” Christian replied too quickly.

“Then why is Deon so worried?”

Christian sighed and leaned with both hands on the back of his chair. After a pause, he looked up and directly into Stephen’s eyes. “Because he’s a good friend.”

“Alright,” Stephen said. He stepped back and leaned against the railing behind him. “I deserve that.”

“You deserve  _ so _ much more than that,” Christian said with a sneer.

“Then let me have it,” Stephen said, folding his arms across his chest. Christian was taken aback. He didn’t expect this. “This is why I wanted us to be the last two out here. I wanted to get you alone. We have a lot to talk about.”

“We had four years to talk about it,” Christian shrugged.

“I get it, you’re mad that it’s been so long since we’ve talked, really talked.”

“No,” Christian said, taking a step toward Stephen. “I’m mad that  _ you _ decided you didn’t want to tour anymore and that Anberlin was done. I’m mad that  _ you _ took away the only thing  _ any _ of us had because you just didn’t want to do it anymore. I’m mad that you fucked off to New Mexico and couldn’t even be bothered to come to my wedding. You didn’t want to sing, fine, I get it. You could have just  _ come. _ I wanted  _ you _ there.”

All of a sudden, Stephen pounded his fist on the railing, making Christian jump. “You wanna know why I didn’t come to your wedding? Why I didn’t wanna sing at it?” he yelled.

Christian was too surprised by the outburst to speak, and just waited for an answer. Stephen stepped toward him suddenly until they were face to face.

“It’s because I couldn’t stand to,” Stephen said at last. “You getting married meant that whatever there was between us would never be anything. We’d just never know.”

“You’ve been married for like a thousand years. That’s not fair,” Christian protested, folding his arms across his chest defiantly and looking away. Stephen touched his arm gently.

“I know it isn’t,” he agreed. “It was incredibly selfish. But it was how I felt at the time.”

“And how do you feel now?” Christian asked, even though he was pretty sure he didn’t want that question answered.

“Now,” Stephen said as he ran his hand up Christian’s arm to his shoulder, then up until he was cupping his cheek, stroking it lightly with his thumb. “I can see how happy you are when you look at her. Or talk about her. And it doesn’t make me sad anymore. You’re in love, and I’m so happy for you.”

Christian smiled then, in spite of himself and in spite of the hot tears stinging his eyes. Stephen was right: he was in love, hopelessly and deliriously and endlessly. A decade ago, when he was pining after the man standing in front of him now, he couldn’t have imagined he’d ever be this happy. 

“I am,” was all he could say.

Stephen nodded and smiled back, his eyes damp now too. Then, for the first time, Stephen leaned in and kissed him. It was entirely chaste, but it was on the lips and it lingered. In spite of himself, Christian kissed back, knowing already tht this was going to be the only kiss they would ever share. A first and a last.

As it ended, Christian slid his arms around Stephen’s shoulders and Stephen curled into his chest, his own arms wrapping around Christian’s back.

“I’m always gonna love you, Christian,” Stephen whispered into his chest.

“I’m always gonna love you, too,” Christian replied, and he meant it. But it wasn’t with the fire that had threatened to burn everything around them to the ground that he’d felt four years ago when Stephen broke up the band and his heart. It wasn’t the nervous schoolboy love he’d felt when he first joined Anberlin, and it certainly wasn’t the intense, head-over-heels love he felt for Jen, whom he missed now even as he was on the verge of getting back the only thing he’d ever wanted to do in his life. It was softer than that: a warmth that settled deep in his heart and it could live there, not a raging wildfire but like the sun on the first day of spring. That was all it was, and after so many years, it was all he needed, and it was exactly as it should be.


End file.
